Jr high Girls Camp....

What to say... Well, regrettably I couldn't be there all the time because i had to work but when I was there it was good. There was a day I slept the whole time but that was accidentally drug induced lol. My cabin girls were fantastic and I was pleasantly surprised by them every day. Plus we had hilarious conversations EVERY night. But there have been some things that I feel annoyed about because some things/comments seemed to get to me at a personal level.... I think my favorite part was painting faces. The luau is over now so the stress of that i out of the way. I did get along with my sister this week and was glad that we seemed to have the same ideas about what respect from the campers should sound and look like. I'm excited- I have been asked back to counsel next year and am in charge of the part and possibly some crafts- my head is already exploding with ideas...

My Mind Exploded onto the Page

It did- I've been kicking around making a music video with a friend using a Portland artist's song. It's starting to come together! I've got the plot outlined, locations thought of and I might have just found the male lead to play opposite my friend! PLUS I might be getting a camcorder- I just bought an slr but it's in the works. I'm so excited to get going- almost done with classes-hopefully forever! yay!

Here Comes My Life

May 29, 2010

I’ve been taking a career class and after long hours of clicking “I like sleeping” and “I don’t like cubicles” I’ve basically been told I have to be a photographer lol. And after letting things fall into place I know how the next year of my life is gonna be. First, I’ll keep waitressing so I have an income. I’m not going back to school (I’ll have an AA next month, I hate school, don’t have a major, and am a year ahead anyway). I’ll continue doing the projects I’ve been squeezing in around school- helping/managing Kaitlin’s modeling/acting career, making videos for church, making websites for people, writing a book, and just finding out what I really like to do. Beyond that I’ll be shooting and start building a site and networking for myself. Check out wix.com/kaitlinsellers/861 to see the latest site I did for Kaitlin. Let me know if you want pics done up or a site built 

3/18/10
I feel like I should be doing something creatively epic…

It’s like I’m on the verge of breaking through into a dream but I don’t know what it is... so lost.

Have some spare creating time and time to figure things out and live before I jump back into some sort of school environment again.

I’m intimidated by the limitations I see.

Do I pick up my guitar? A pen? Both? Pursue gigging? For what purpose? I tend to get stuck on purpose and why.

I don’t know I feel like I’m torn in a few different directions and don’t know what I should do with this time.

All I do seems to be an imitation of someone else’s genius.

I’m mesmerized by Tyler Ward and Owl City right now…


I feel like something’s about to explode out me…

I miss the comfort of a best friend.

Do I Believe in Myself?

I can't stop listening to "Live Like Were Dyin" - Kris Allen

I've realized recently that I don't particularly believe in myself. Just from experiences I've had and beliefs about myelf that seem to be set in concrete. I see people who are so passionate and driven. They want music to be their life- fame or not- or know they live to serve the world and will go into the Peace Corp. and become a diplomat. I have no goals. No dreams. I used to, but they are gone. There is only one thing I know that I want in life- to be content.

I am just very confused right now. I have no clue what I want to do with my life, how I want to live it, or how I'm going to get there. I haven't even chosen a major, which is why I won't go back to school in the fall. I'm just all over the place. I like random things and have some talent but not one or a few that I really love or am great at. I like history but what do you do with that? Same goes for political science. I like to write but there is NO way I'll be an english major. I love to play guitar but my hands are too small to play certain chords so I can't go pro lol. I had chosen a program, fitness trainer and to lead to physical therapy- but I dropped it because it would've added another year to schooling and I'd have to take a bunch of math. Did I mention I hate school? Time to get a degree is a deterant and no, I don't want to be a teacher. I love to sing but I don't know if I really believe others when they say I'm good. I like acting but won't push myself because I'd tell you I'm too short, not pretty enough, not good enough, etc. I'm helping a friend along with her modeling/acting career and my dad asked why I dont put that kind of work in for me. That kind of industry I can't help but think it's kind of a waste of money when people die everyday because they don't have enough food. Plus, I always have my mom in the back of my head saying it's kinda shallow and there's so much more I could do. Exactly why I'm hesitant to go into cosmotelogy- Don't I want to help people or have a more meaningful life than just affecting someones hair?

I know- I'm young, I have plenty of time, nobody has it figured out. Well I don't want to waste my life right now or wake up in ten years and wonder why I haven't done anything. I've been having a midlife crisis since I was ten lol.

Getting Hurt

I get tired of hearing people say they’re scared of getting hurt and want to avoid it. Reality check- you will ALWAYS get hurt. No matter what. But you are in control, you choose how you get hurt. If you do it you could get hurt, if you don’t you could get hurt because you didn’t. People are scared that they’ll get hurt when they’re in a relationship because they have in the past. True, but that’s the risk you take and if you don’t you’re still going to get hurt- playing it safe leads to hurt- regret, wonder, and loneliness. Even if it’s not anything to do with such, you will always get hurt but you are choosing how. Not that you are choosing to get hurt, that is inevitable and something you’ll have to move past, but that the situations you put yourself in determine the kinds of hurt possible. You will get hurt. But you decide- that’s what life is. So now that you know you can make decisions based on the good that could come from it and not something you can never avoid.

God and your Nervous System

Your nerves send signals to your brain. When they continuously send the same message the brain basically says “ya I got it I know” and starts to ignore it. Example; you can always feel your clothes when you first put them on- like being itchy. But later after awhile you don’t feel it anymore. Or being somewhere with a bad smell that you “get used to” after awhile. Today I applied this thought to God. A lot of the time I hear people talking about how they are looking for God or don’t have the same spiritual high they used to (and I have had my fair share of this). Maybe it’s because they have let things go stale. Their relationship with God is continuously the same so it’s hard to feel or recognize God in their life. God might be speaking in their ear but because it’s become common they don’t hear it anymore. Maybe that’s why when people do soul-searching and stuff they find God. At church camps people have spiritual highs and it’s probably because it’s different than their usual routine. I think we need to mix it up in life and not be scared of finding God at another church, activity, or spiritual practice. Attending different churches once in awhile can keep you spiritually fed and is not betrayal of your congregation. There are things I usually hesitate to do when they are knew but it’s worth trying once to see what I get out of it and at the very least learn what doesn’t work for me. I get bored with eating the same cereal everyday, why wouldn’t people become numb to God? It’s much more complex than cereal lol.

Ideas for mixing it up:

Walk a labyrinth

Go to a different church service

Take a nature walk

Journal

Meditate

Pray

Take a class

Read the bible

Watch youtube

Make art; paint, collage, etc.

Contemplate a song

Listen to a sermon online

Watch a different tv show or documentary

Go to a retreat

Volunteer

Fast

Practice lent

Celebrate a different holiday

Join a discussion group

Engage an interesting spiritual person you admire